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Away Day VI - Xscape, Milton Keynes

Date: Tuesday 22nd December 2005
Location: Milton Keynes
Activities: Rock climbing, snowboarding and tobogganing
Organised through: www.xscape.co.uk

Fresh from grazing on bacon sandwiches fit for Mr Corleone himself, the Dons were heading north of the M25 to the lofty heights of Milton Keynes. Simon, having never been this far up north, had packed his trilby and cloak just in case the rains came. Little did he realise that those 'northern monkeys' were now part of modern society and he wouldn't be able to get a servant to carry his travel trunk for him. "Be a good egg and polish my shoes old chap" wouldn't really work on a Toddington Services car park attendant.

Anyway, it was Ben's turn to choose the activity this time round, and he went for extreme action, with a capital X. Xscape to be precise - land of the indoor snow-slope, and home to the baggy jean-wearing youth of today. When will they pull them up and stop showing us their arse?

Rock climbing was up first. Watching people climb beforehand was a bit like trying to pull in a nightclub - you think it'll be easy, only to find you actually struggle to get anywhere and end up with very sore hands.

By golly it was hard work, but Ben scurried up the wall like a baboon on a promise - he'd obviously done this before (and remember, he'd booked this little malaise). Meanwhile, the others floundered around like hibernating sloth in slow motion and made little impression on the upper echelons of the wall.

It was a great introduction to rock climbing though. Dirt cheap at £10, and that included hire of all the appropriate gear too. We got a quick briefing on basic safety rules, just to make sure we didn't land on anyone's head, but were soon left to our own devices. We got about half-an-hour's worth of climbing time, but to be honest, we were so shattered we didn't make the most of it. So while 30minutes doesn't sound like much, it really is enough time.

And with our forearms throbbing like they belonged to an adolescent teenager, we headed of for some much-needed lunch, which comprised mainly of steak, chips and beer. Lovely.

Next up was snowboarding. For about £40, you get an hour's lesson and your board and boots. There's also the option to hire pants and coat for about a tenner if you need. Suited and booted, we trudged off to meet our instructor. To make sure we didn't make complete arses of ourselves, he spent 5 minutes showing us how to stand on the board properly before we hit the slopes. 'Hit the slopes' - we sound really professional when it's put like that, but we can assure you we were anything but professional.

Mike, Simon and Tom spent the rest of the hour stumbling their way down the slope in an extremely unsteady fashion, waving their arms like a group of drunken orang-utans in a nightclub. Meanwhile, Ben (remember, he booked the trip) glided down, time after time. He whisked past the sloshed primates effortlessly and occasionally looked up to laugh at us on the way down. Thanks for that Ben, you're concern was appreciated. Maybe next time you could book something you're not great at and we're hopeless at. Get your ego-trip elsewhere!

Anyway, the final hurrah was a good one. It was a trip down memory lane, back to times when we were knee-high to a grasshopper. Yes friends, if you need to put a big grin on your face, tobogganing is the answer. And thanks to the miracle of Xscape, you're guaranteed of crisp snow without sheep droppings in it, and a nice steep slope to boot. You get half an hour for a tenner (sounds like those massage parlours we visit at lunchtime, allegedly).

So, cue childish sniggers and whoops of laughter - then when Mike had exchanged his pink-trimmed trousers for a more masculine pair, we head out with our toboggans tucked eagerly under our arms.

It was the perfect way to end the day - great, genuine childish fun. At a little over £60 per person in total, there are a lot worse ways to spend your money. And it certainly beats making giant stepping-stones out of barrels, that's for sure.

What did we learn?

Ben: "It's a real confidence booster to show off in front of your mates"
Simon: "Don't throw snowballs at kids if their Dad is two feet taller than you"
Mike: "I'll be able to use my new climbing skills to clamber out of bedroom windows even quicker"
Tom "Never eat yellow snow"

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Away Day VI - Xscape, Milton Keynes

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